I keep on tossing and turning to find that comfortable position for me to sleep but I can't. I tried not think about the impending goodbye that will happen in the next 3 days. A very close friend, dearly close to my heart will be leaving and it may be a long time that I'll be seeing her.
2 days ago when we had this small get together with some friends, I did what I do best. I put on that mask again -- a facade deceitfully telling people that I won't feel anything, that I won't be weeping, that I just don't care. It has been a long time that I haven't worn that mask. I thought I didn't pull it off but I guess I did.
It is heartbreaking to even think about it. She has been my confidante here -- a shoulder to cry on and someone who listens when I start blabbering about everything. I'm already used of having her near, just a phone call away or one bus ride to where she lives.
I don't want her to see the longing and sadness in my eyes. All I want is for her to see that I'm happy with her decision and that I'm supporting her. Of course I do support her. I think it's my selfish side that doesn't want her to leave. I want to argue with her about the choice she's making but decided to shut my mouth because I can see how excited she is to leave. I don't want to be that person who will interfere with her happiness.
I've seen her these past few months. Her eyes, glum from tears. Her posture, downcast from the invisible weight she's carrying. There were times when we're in a group that I caught her looking at the distance for a long moment, pensive, before returning her attention to us. I can see in her eyes that she had enough of the things she's been going through.
So here I am, awake at 3 in the morning, contemplating. She must not see even a bit of sadness in my eyes. Tears started to fall from my eyes as I stare at the ceiling. Am I that tough to say goodbye to a friend whom I considered a sister? NO. I'm not. Do I have the guts to stop her from leaving? NO. I don't. I want her to be happy.
Well, if her leaving is part of that happiness, I should accept it. FRIENDSHIP KNOWS NO DISTANCE. I just have to get use to it. I will definitely miss her a lot that's for sure. Before she leaves, I will hug her tight. I will not say goodbye but I'll say, "I'LL SEE YOU SOON."
