NOT A GOODBYE BUT A SEE YOU SOON...

I keep on tossing and turning to find that comfortable position for me to sleep but I can't. I tried not think about the impending goodbye that will happen in the next 3 days. A very close friend, dearly close to my heart will be leaving and it may be a long time that I'll be seeing her.

2 days ago when we had this small get together with some friends, I did what I do best. I put on that mask again -- a facade deceitfully telling people that I won't feel anything, that I won't be weeping, that I just don't care. It has been a long time that I haven't worn that mask. I thought I didn't pull it off but I guess I did.

It is heartbreaking to even think about it. She has been my confidante here -- a shoulder to cry on and someone who listens when I start blabbering about everything. I'm already used of having her near, just a phone call away or one bus ride to where she lives.

I don't want her to see the longing and sadness in my eyes. All I want is for her to see that I'm happy with her decision and that I'm supporting her. Of course I do support her. I think it's my selfish side that doesn't want her to leave. I want to argue with her about the choice she's making but decided to shut my mouth because I can see how excited she is to leave. I don't want to be that person who will interfere with her happiness.

I've seen her these past few months. Her eyes, glum from tears. Her posture, downcast from the invisible weight she's carrying. There were times when we're in a group that I caught her looking at the distance for a long moment, pensive, before returning her attention to us. I can see in her eyes that she had enough of the things she's been going through.

So here I am, awake at 3 in the morning, contemplating. She must not see even a bit of sadness in my eyes. Tears started to fall from my eyes as I stare at the ceiling. Am I that tough to say goodbye to a friend whom I considered a sister? NO. I'm not. Do I have the guts to stop her from leaving? NO. I don't. I want her to be happy.

Well, if her leaving is part of that happiness, I should accept it. FRIENDSHIP KNOWS NO DISTANCE. I just have to get use to it. I will definitely miss her a lot that's for sure. Before she leaves, I will hug her tight. I will not say goodbye but I'll say, "I'LL SEE YOU SOON."

REMEMBERING & CONCLUDING...

I was talking to myself, well, more on shouting. "You have to do something today or else you'll end up just talking to yourself  looking like crazy." Oh yeah, and here's the result -- another write up which I intend to post. Wah! I didn't know what got into me. I am not a writer. For Pete's sake, I am a silent reader on Wattpad and Fanfiction. READER, not a WRITER. Then what am I doing here? Messing with all of you, I guess. What? That's fun, isn't it. But here it is...the reason is that I need something to do with this pent up emotion that I have.

It all started yesterday. It's always like that. When the clock strikes 12 midnight and the calendar changes its date, it feel like they're trying to mess with me saying, "Oh hey, look what day it is. Have fun." All I wanted to do is throw them all on the wall so that I will never be reminded of what day it is.

For the last 3 years, 1219 and 0103 never fail to give me creeps. I always end up waking and screaming my lungs out. All covered with sweats and tears in my eyes. I had let go of it all but why it seems like it is still haunting me. I don't want to remember. 

121904. The happiest day of my life. Like any other teenage girls, saying YES to a guy you love to be your boyfriend was magical. It was heaven indeed -- all those butterflies in your stomach, those radical changes of heartbeat, those blushing, it was insane. We had survived the first year of the relationship smoothly and with high hopes that whatever we'll face, our relationship will be stronger than ever. And boy, I WAS WRONG. 

Nearly 2 years in the relationship when I first found out about 'the other girl'. I am never that kind of a person who asks for fights right there and then without thinking everything thoroughly. Yes, I was mad that day but I handled my anger and myself gracefully. A confrontation was about to happen -- me, him and her. I remember taking long breathes for several times just to calm myself. I remember my best friend pacing back and forth because of her own anger. I remember how I wanted to cry but don't want to show weakness. I remember staring to nothingness. I was emotionally messed up. I kept on reminding myself that I have to make a decision after the confrontation -- to stay or to let go. The talk started, the time flew, the talk ended. I remember seeing her walking out the door not paying another single look at us but I don't remember what just happened. I don't remember the discussion. I don't remember talking. Or did I even talk? I could get some glimpse, some pictures in my mind. I could see my face, my eyes, those blank, emotionless eyes. But what's worst was, in the midst of my emotional turmoil I'm feeling, I chose to stay. BIGGEST MISTAKE.

For the next 4 years, the relationship went downhill by the year. Grave thing, I CHANGED -- not for the better but for the worst. It was a self-destruction kind of change. It felt like burying your old self 6 feet below the ground. I focused myself on him alone -- gave all my time, all the efforts, everything. My self-esteem went from highest to the lowest. I was never active to school anymore. I don't go out, prefer to be home and alone. I have friends but I don't open up. Of course, if you're one of those who are in my circle of friends, you will never figure out that I was wrecked inside. In the outside, I was that bubbly, cheery and alive girl who loves to hang out, talk and just be crazy with life but deep inside I was that lonely little girl, ruined and confused. Well, for the long time, I perfected the art of hiding my real feelings. Him? He never knew that. He thought of me as an overly jealous, paranoid, war freak of a girlfriend. I caught him several times cheating again, and again, and again, and again. And like the first one, I let it through and kept fighting for the relationship but I came to point that I don't care anymore. I was tired fighting alone. I kept on trying to hold on to him, to save the relationship but it was useless. I LOST MYSELF.

010311. I remember crying my heart out because of the pain, the hurt, the betrayal. I saw it right before my very eyes. Him and yet another girl. I remember everything that day, every single detail. I remember saying goodbye to the only person that keeps me going, HIM. I remember the feeling of agony, the feeling that I want to go back and explain that I was just tired and don't know what I'm saying but I held myself. I have to stop myself before I could harm myself any more. I JUST HAVE TO STOP.

Days months and years went by. I worked hard recovering myself, picked up the pieces, and moved on. I forgave myself and forgave him too. Yes, I did successfully brought back the person who I used to be before I met him -- that young lady full of dreams but now, STRONGER.

1219 and 0103. Those are the days when I still be woken up from sleep, crying. My best friend told me that there will come a day that those dates will be mere dates.

And I do believe her. That day will come.

AGONY OF A ROSE

I can still feel the sharp shards of glass that punctured my heart. Even though it had been five months since he uttered those words that broke my heart, I still felt the pain as potently as if it had been only hours.

It was impossible to explain how I felt. The easiest thing to name was rejection. He didn't want me. I doubted he had ever wanted me. Had it all been a lie? Did he ever truly care for me? But no, that was silly. Of course he had loved me at one time, but I could see now that that love had diminished over the years whilst mine grew stronger. Our relationship had grown one-sided.

Oh God, the agony was unbearable.

It wasn't as if there was a hole in my chest – not at all. That would have been merciful compared to my current pain. Instead, it felt like my soul was shattered into thousands of dying fragments, yearning for the one who could put it together again but never would. Those fragments were the sharp bits of pain that would assault me whenever I saw CDs, motorcycle or a smile that diminishes the eyes.

I wasn't broken – that would have been too easy.

I wasn't hurt – too simple.

I was screaming inside my head while I lay mute on my bed, shrieking in anger at myself and in longing for him.

It had been absurd of me to believe that he could love me in the first place. I wanted to break down and cry once again. I wanted to smash things and let loose all the misery and fury inside me. I was so angry with myself. Had I done something to push him away to make him not love me anymore? But I wished I knew what I had done to cause this to happen.

I wanted to curl up in this bed and close my eyes, never to open them again.

It would be easier if he hated me, or if he had yelled that he never wanted to see me again. Anything would have been better than that pleasant indifference with which he treated me. Our love had all been one-sided, at least in the end. But, how could I have been so blind to see that he wanted to get rid of me?

I brought my knees up to my chest and hid my face in the space between. The pathetic thing was, I couldn't even hate him. He had hurt me worse than I thought anyone ever could, and I couldn't even bring myself to despise him. Our time together seemed so brief now, just a blink of an eye, yet it was filled with happiness and the best moments of my life.

I remembered the first time he had kissed me. His palms were soft on my cheeks as he cupped my face. My heart was hammering and butterflies danced in my stomach. His thumbs rubbed my skin tenderly, sending electric currents through my nervous system. He paused for only a moment before he brought his lips to mine in a movement so gentle that it was like a feather brushing my mouth. Only a whisper of a kiss, so tender and soft that I wanted to sigh and melt in his arms.

Now I knew that nothing was ever permanent. Nothing was ever as it seemed; nothing was ever simple. Looking back down at my hands, I remembered his words.

"I'm sorry but I had fallen out of love..."

I could never be around him without being destroyed by the misery. Then I hid my face in my arms and gave myself over to the scorching tears that consumed me.