REMEMBERING & CONCLUDING...

I was talking to myself, well, more on shouting. "You have to do something today or else you'll end up just talking to yourself  looking like crazy." Oh yeah, and here's the result -- another write up which I intend to post. Wah! I didn't know what got into me. I am not a writer. For Pete's sake, I am a silent reader on Wattpad and Fanfiction. READER, not a WRITER. Then what am I doing here? Messing with all of you, I guess. What? That's fun, isn't it. But here it is...the reason is that I need something to do with this pent up emotion that I have.

It all started yesterday. It's always like that. When the clock strikes 12 midnight and the calendar changes its date, it feel like they're trying to mess with me saying, "Oh hey, look what day it is. Have fun." All I wanted to do is throw them all on the wall so that I will never be reminded of what day it is.

For the last 3 years, 1219 and 0103 never fail to give me creeps. I always end up waking and screaming my lungs out. All covered with sweats and tears in my eyes. I had let go of it all but why it seems like it is still haunting me. I don't want to remember. 

121904. The happiest day of my life. Like any other teenage girls, saying YES to a guy you love to be your boyfriend was magical. It was heaven indeed -- all those butterflies in your stomach, those radical changes of heartbeat, those blushing, it was insane. We had survived the first year of the relationship smoothly and with high hopes that whatever we'll face, our relationship will be stronger than ever. And boy, I WAS WRONG. 

Nearly 2 years in the relationship when I first found out about 'the other girl'. I am never that kind of a person who asks for fights right there and then without thinking everything thoroughly. Yes, I was mad that day but I handled my anger and myself gracefully. A confrontation was about to happen -- me, him and her. I remember taking long breathes for several times just to calm myself. I remember my best friend pacing back and forth because of her own anger. I remember how I wanted to cry but don't want to show weakness. I remember staring to nothingness. I was emotionally messed up. I kept on reminding myself that I have to make a decision after the confrontation -- to stay or to let go. The talk started, the time flew, the talk ended. I remember seeing her walking out the door not paying another single look at us but I don't remember what just happened. I don't remember the discussion. I don't remember talking. Or did I even talk? I could get some glimpse, some pictures in my mind. I could see my face, my eyes, those blank, emotionless eyes. But what's worst was, in the midst of my emotional turmoil I'm feeling, I chose to stay. BIGGEST MISTAKE.

For the next 4 years, the relationship went downhill by the year. Grave thing, I CHANGED -- not for the better but for the worst. It was a self-destruction kind of change. It felt like burying your old self 6 feet below the ground. I focused myself on him alone -- gave all my time, all the efforts, everything. My self-esteem went from highest to the lowest. I was never active to school anymore. I don't go out, prefer to be home and alone. I have friends but I don't open up. Of course, if you're one of those who are in my circle of friends, you will never figure out that I was wrecked inside. In the outside, I was that bubbly, cheery and alive girl who loves to hang out, talk and just be crazy with life but deep inside I was that lonely little girl, ruined and confused. Well, for the long time, I perfected the art of hiding my real feelings. Him? He never knew that. He thought of me as an overly jealous, paranoid, war freak of a girlfriend. I caught him several times cheating again, and again, and again, and again. And like the first one, I let it through and kept fighting for the relationship but I came to point that I don't care anymore. I was tired fighting alone. I kept on trying to hold on to him, to save the relationship but it was useless. I LOST MYSELF.

010311. I remember crying my heart out because of the pain, the hurt, the betrayal. I saw it right before my very eyes. Him and yet another girl. I remember everything that day, every single detail. I remember saying goodbye to the only person that keeps me going, HIM. I remember the feeling of agony, the feeling that I want to go back and explain that I was just tired and don't know what I'm saying but I held myself. I have to stop myself before I could harm myself any more. I JUST HAVE TO STOP.

Days months and years went by. I worked hard recovering myself, picked up the pieces, and moved on. I forgave myself and forgave him too. Yes, I did successfully brought back the person who I used to be before I met him -- that young lady full of dreams but now, STRONGER.

1219 and 0103. Those are the days when I still be woken up from sleep, crying. My best friend told me that there will come a day that those dates will be mere dates.

And I do believe her. That day will come.